Well I went to therapy yesterday. She is wanting me to start starting at least one discussion. Hum I think she might think I am a little messed up if I told her what I was thinking, how I am feeling and all this sort of stuff. Then on the other side shame and embarrassment seem to prevent me from talking as well. I mean I know she knows that I have had a really messed up life and all, but I do not think she understand to the extent that it has messed me up. I really would like to be able to tell her out loud the things that have happened. The details of my flashbacks. The things my nightmares are made of. I am just afraid I guess that she will look at me and say that this is even beyond her to be able to help. I guess instead of being afraid though I can turn it into next weeks goal. I think that is what I will do. Wish me lots of luck because I am going to need it. I know it would be counterproductive for me to turn the chair around and face her but I really think it would help if I didn't have to look at her. I know it all sounds so weird. I just have a real issue with looking at her when I talk to her. For one thing I do not like anyone to see me cry. Second reason I feel such shame over it all.. 

Well I went to bed about nine this morning and I slept till around noon.  I got like four phone calls during that time. Two of them had to do with therapy. Yes The secretary and myself had a misunderstanding and I went to therapy at a quarter till four today. I discussed feeling suicidal with her. She pretty much said if I was to do something like that I would screw my children up for life.  I don't want that, but I do want my life over. I am beginning to feel hopeless and worthless. I know this is probably hard to understand if you have never been through the things I have gone through. I really can not describe the feelings I have about just trying to put  a smile on and make it through the day.  I can not describe the dread I feel when night falls. I wasn't just abused at night. I guess that is just when it is quiet and the kids are asleep and I'm afraid to sleep. The only time I really feel safe enough to sleep is between dawn and around noon. The rest of the time is pretty much out of the question and I really do not understand it. 

I have a strange urge to just go to bed and stay there. This is something I would never do though. The thought of nightmares scare me. I am really drawn just to go t o bed and sleep though. I am wondering how long before I give in to this feeling. I don't think it will take me very long. I think it is just depression speaking, but I guess we shall see. I don't even like to go to bed. I prefer to just sleep in my recliner if I am going to sleep, but it is like my bed is calling my name and telling me to close my eyes and go to sleep and ignore all my problems for a while. The thought is very tempting.

Flashbacks

The flashbacks consumed me yesterday evening to the point when I could breathe again I was wondering why my father didn't just pull the trigger when he had the gun to my head. I ended up taking my anxiety medicine just to make it through the night. Now I feel like a huge failure. My eyes are still puffy from the crying I did. I slept with all the lights in the house on just like the scared little girl I was feeling like.

I do not need to be alone today. I do not need the silence that allows me to think. I need lots of activity and lots of things to do!!!!!!!!!!1

It has been a very long day


  Well I have suffered through another day without giving in and taking anxiety medicine. I just want to prove to myself that I can do it. It is getting very hard and I am starting to remember why I was taking the anxiety medicine. I really didn't forget. I guess I have blocked how bad the anxiety really was since I have been on the medicine. Now that I am coming off of it I am now wondering if this is the best decision for me. I have left home but it is taking all I have to force myself out the door. I know the medicine is not completely out of my system. So I am kind of scared to see how I am going to be off of it totally. Maybe I should take it. I don't know I am just really confused. I do not want to be dependent on medicine for the rest of my life. I want a life that I can be proud of. What I have now is not something I want. I don't want to think to myself well you had a good day, but it was only because you took your medicine. I hate being like this. I hate my life. I want to die. 

Well What a worthless day it has been.  I am withdrawing from my Ativan. Personal choice I am choosing not to take it anymore. My therapists secretary called and said that my therapist wouldn't be seeing me till my insurance is back on. Well guess what I am at the point that I am ready to give up any way so this is just perfect timing for everything to fall apart. Why is that when you feel like things can't get any worse everything goes wrong at once.


  My head is killing me I am nauseous, my anxiety is way to high, I feel shaky. I am running a fever. My friend says it is probably because I am dehydrated from being sick to my stomach. She keeps trying to get me to take my medicine. I see no point in it though. She is a nurse so I figure I will be okay. She also keeps telling me that I might actually start to feel worse as far as withdrawing off my meds go. I really do not think that is humanly possible at this point. I am at least trying to keep Gatorade a nd water down right now.


  I have graduated from sleep walking to driving in my sleep. I only know this because my friend stayed the night with me and informed me this morning that My vehicle and myself were gone for over an hour. She doesn't know how long I was gone before she woke up.  She says I sleep walk worse when my family starts messing with me. Hum wonder how long this will last. I can make a guess. My guess would be till I feel safe again.


  I was trying to make a real effort up until tonight to my own bed and force myself to relax enough to go to sleep. I guess that would not be a real good idea right now. I should prob stay awake all night and wait after I take the kids to school in the morning to go to sleep. That way my friend can make sure I stay home if I  sleep walk. She is staying the night again tonight just in case I fall asleep she has taken my keys from me. Well at least this way I am not a danger to myself and others by driving in my sleep. I will just be a danger to myself if I sleep walk. I would really like to know where I go when I do sleep walk. I have asked my friends if they have seen me before on these nights that I sleep walk and they all say no. I have gone out before and came home in totally different clothes that didn't even belong to me. I figured at some point someone would eventually ask for their clothes back, but not ass of yet and it has been almost a year since that happened. 


  So my goal for now is to get past the withdraws stay hydrated and not fall asleep tonight. Wish me lots of luck I have a feeling I am going to need it.