Dissociation was a good thing as a child for me. Now as an adult I do not need this coping skill anymore, but I still have it. I catch myself doing this for no reason sometimes. Sometimes I do it when I am triggered by something that reminds me of the abuse I went through. This is one of the coping skills I could live without, but it seems to be something I am stuck with. I also catch myself dissociating when my therapist is talking to  me. 


  Life is strange. I guess I am different as well. I really am not angry at the people who abused me. I am more upset about the affects the abuse I had on me. Sometimes I feel as if I wasn't strong enough. I feel as though maybe I did something that attracted these people to me. I know this is not really the situation, but it is the way I feel. I can not help my feelings. I can only try to change my mindset so that maybe someday I will feel differently about it all.


  I wish someone had a magic wand and could just erase my childhood and make everything perfect. I know wishful thinking will eventually be my downfall. 








































































  

My thought life is a series of events that either make you or break you.

Sometimes I ask myself is this life really worth the fight. I keep telling myself to keep going to prove that I survived. I keep thinking that if I make something out of my life it will prove the abuse did not hurt me. I have two daughters that I want to teach to be strong independent woman. I keep telling myself to give up will teach them nothing. I keep telling myself keep fighting. I am tired of fighting though. I am tired of not being able to sleep without nightmares. I am tired of trying to talk about the things that have happened and feeling like someone has applied super glue to my lips. I am tired of the daily battle that goes on in myself. I have thought about suicide since I was 11 years old and I continue to think about it. It would be the easy way out. It is one of those things that nobody seems to understand. You are asked aren't you afraid of dying. Are you not afraid of hell? Well my personal reply is if there was a hell that means there is a god. Well where the hell was he when my body was being hurt as a child. Where was he when I felt like my body was being ripped open by my father when I was only three years old? Every religious person says god protects the children. Was I not a child? Was I not good enough for him? What about all the other children that have been hurt and abused?


 So I guess in the end it is not so much about what I believe in. I really believe it comes down to me deciding the worth of my life. How much I want to live. How much I feel like things are going to get better. If I can stand to live in this creepy crawly flesh that I call my body even after it has been used as much as it has. How much or how little it would effect my daughters. How hard I want to try and prove to the people that they have hurt me but they didn't break me after all.

I have created this blog as a place to put the things that have happened to me. A place to put the things I am going through. I am a incest survivor and rape survivor. I have P.T.S.D., O.C.D., Agoraphobia and Major depression. I have this diagnosis not because of something I did to myself, but becasue of all the pain and abuse I was forced to endure growing up. I will not let these things define me. I will overcome them. I am a SURVIVOR. I want so much out of life. I want to be able to live in my own skin without wanting to run away from myself. Someday I will be able to go to sleep at night without nightmares. I will be able to make it through the day without flashbacks. I will be able to leave my house without fear.