Well I went to therapy yesterday. She is wanting me to start starting at least one discussion. Hum I think she might think I am a little messed up if I told her what I was thinking, how I am feeling and all this sort of stuff. Then on the other side shame and embarrassment seem to prevent me from talking as well. I mean I know she knows that I have had a really messed up life and all, but I do not think she understand to the extent that it has messed me up. I really would like to be able to tell her out loud the things that have happened. The details of my flashbacks. The things my nightmares are made of. I am just afraid I guess that she will look at me and say that this is even beyond her to be able to help. I guess instead of being afraid though I can turn it into next weeks goal. I think that is what I will do. Wish me lots of luck because I am going to need it. I know it would be counterproductive for me to turn the chair around and face her but I really think it would help if I didn't have to look at her. I know it all sounds so weird. I just have a real issue with looking at her when I talk to her. For one thing I do not like anyone to see me cry. Second reason I feel such shame over it all.. 

Well I went to bed about nine this morning and I slept till around noon.  I got like four phone calls during that time. Two of them had to do with therapy. Yes The secretary and myself had a misunderstanding and I went to therapy at a quarter till four today. I discussed feeling suicidal with her. She pretty much said if I was to do something like that I would screw my children up for life.  I don't want that, but I do want my life over. I am beginning to feel hopeless and worthless. I know this is probably hard to understand if you have never been through the things I have gone through. I really can not describe the feelings I have about just trying to put  a smile on and make it through the day.  I can not describe the dread I feel when night falls. I wasn't just abused at night. I guess that is just when it is quiet and the kids are asleep and I'm afraid to sleep. The only time I really feel safe enough to sleep is between dawn and around noon. The rest of the time is pretty much out of the question and I really do not understand it. 

I have a strange urge to just go to bed and stay there. This is something I would never do though. The thought of nightmares scare me. I am really drawn just to go t o bed and sleep though. I am wondering how long before I give in to this feeling. I don't think it will take me very long. I think it is just depression speaking, but I guess we shall see. I don't even like to go to bed. I prefer to just sleep in my recliner if I am going to sleep, but it is like my bed is calling my name and telling me to close my eyes and go to sleep and ignore all my problems for a while. The thought is very tempting.

Flashbacks

The flashbacks consumed me yesterday evening to the point when I could breathe again I was wondering why my father didn't just pull the trigger when he had the gun to my head. I ended up taking my anxiety medicine just to make it through the night. Now I feel like a huge failure. My eyes are still puffy from the crying I did. I slept with all the lights in the house on just like the scared little girl I was feeling like.

I do not need to be alone today. I do not need the silence that allows me to think. I need lots of activity and lots of things to do!!!!!!!!!!1

It has been a very long day


  Well I have suffered through another day without giving in and taking anxiety medicine. I just want to prove to myself that I can do it. It is getting very hard and I am starting to remember why I was taking the anxiety medicine. I really didn't forget. I guess I have blocked how bad the anxiety really was since I have been on the medicine. Now that I am coming off of it I am now wondering if this is the best decision for me. I have left home but it is taking all I have to force myself out the door. I know the medicine is not completely out of my system. So I am kind of scared to see how I am going to be off of it totally. Maybe I should take it. I don't know I am just really confused. I do not want to be dependent on medicine for the rest of my life. I want a life that I can be proud of. What I have now is not something I want. I don't want to think to myself well you had a good day, but it was only because you took your medicine. I hate being like this. I hate my life. I want to die. 

Well What a worthless day it has been.  I am withdrawing from my Ativan. Personal choice I am choosing not to take it anymore. My therapists secretary called and said that my therapist wouldn't be seeing me till my insurance is back on. Well guess what I am at the point that I am ready to give up any way so this is just perfect timing for everything to fall apart. Why is that when you feel like things can't get any worse everything goes wrong at once.


  My head is killing me I am nauseous, my anxiety is way to high, I feel shaky. I am running a fever. My friend says it is probably because I am dehydrated from being sick to my stomach. She keeps trying to get me to take my medicine. I see no point in it though. She is a nurse so I figure I will be okay. She also keeps telling me that I might actually start to feel worse as far as withdrawing off my meds go. I really do not think that is humanly possible at this point. I am at least trying to keep Gatorade a nd water down right now.


  I have graduated from sleep walking to driving in my sleep. I only know this because my friend stayed the night with me and informed me this morning that My vehicle and myself were gone for over an hour. She doesn't know how long I was gone before she woke up.  She says I sleep walk worse when my family starts messing with me. Hum wonder how long this will last. I can make a guess. My guess would be till I feel safe again.


  I was trying to make a real effort up until tonight to my own bed and force myself to relax enough to go to sleep. I guess that would not be a real good idea right now. I should prob stay awake all night and wait after I take the kids to school in the morning to go to sleep. That way my friend can make sure I stay home if I  sleep walk. She is staying the night again tonight just in case I fall asleep she has taken my keys from me. Well at least this way I am not a danger to myself and others by driving in my sleep. I will just be a danger to myself if I sleep walk. I would really like to know where I go when I do sleep walk. I have asked my friends if they have seen me before on these nights that I sleep walk and they all say no. I have gone out before and came home in totally different clothes that didn't even belong to me. I figured at some point someone would eventually ask for their clothes back, but not ass of yet and it has been almost a year since that happened. 


  So my goal for now is to get past the withdraws stay hydrated and not fall asleep tonight. Wish me lots of luck I have a feeling I am going to need it.

COPING SKILLS For si


1. Deep breathing
2. drawing
3. take some alone time
4. art
5. pet my favorite animals/ that would be all of them
6. wrap up in my soft blanket
7 grounding techniques
8. try to remake the memories so they end the way I want
9. remember what I want and that si is not it
10. Ask for help

What is it that causes sexually abused people to be more likely to be abused again? Is it the way we carry ourselves? Is it something we do? I am just wondering what it is that needs to change so they abused people never have to go through the abuse more than the first to time. So i guess the question is what needs to change? What do we need to do to keep ourselves safe? 

Sick equals worse anxiety. It makes no sense to me. I used to just get sick make it through whatever was wrong and be fine. It all started when I got sick in Oct. of 2010 and the doctor kept telling me nothing was wrong. Then by the time Feb. of 2011 was here they wanted to do emergency surgery because my gallbladder was about to pop and my stomach was under my ribs.It took a year to get over the surgery. Now every time I get sick I have anxiety attacks.  Well I guess I will be okay nothing seriously just a fever and headache with any luck I will feel better by tomorrow. 

Well I am still here. I am not completely shattered. I am not like Humpty Dumpty I can be put back together again. It may take time, but I can do it. I sometimes just get overwhelmed by the events in my life.

  When I was 24 I was raped by somebody that I knew. It really messed with my head. I actually think it hurt more that it didn't bother me as much as I felt it should. After the things my father did to me I felt like what he did was nothing. I moved shortly after that. I had managed to ignore the pain that my father had caused me up until that point. When I was raped all the memories came flooding back. It was like a bridge had broken inside of me and the only cure was to run while I could. I ran as far as I could. I got a new job and worked as much as possible so that I didn't have to remember the things that had happened to me. I was basically running away from everything. I was home long enough to catch a couple hours sleep and make sure my kids were taken care of. The rest of the time I was at work. I did this till I could no longer hide from it. It was like one day it all came back and there was no more hiding. The only hiding I could do was at home because I was afraid to leave home. I was afraid to go to sleep. I was afraid to be alive. I was having flashbacks and nightmares. When I finally went to my doctor he sent me for psych testing that is when I was diagnosed. that is when I realized there was names for the things I was going through.

 I guess i finally figured out that I could only run for so long. I finally figured out everything catches up with you eventually. I am now trying to figure out how to find my voice. I have a very good friend who has been through similar things and we are both in the healing process right now and she is the one who is trying to teach me that I need my voice. That I need to be heard. She gives me excellent pointers on ways to talk. I just need to try them out I guess. Maybe someday that voice that I keep trying to find so that I can tell my story will eventually come out. I figure when it does that will be the biggest step I take in getting out of my own personal prison. That will be the key to my freedom.

Self Injury


Is way of expressing the pain that I seem not to be able to talk about. It is how I cope with feeling numb. It is how I cope when I have so many emotions I can't even begin to name them. I self injure to hide the pain I feel. I self injure and nobody knows but me.  I am me I can not change that and right now self injury is a coping skill. I am trying to find new coping skills to learn how to deal with things. I can sometimes make those other skills work for me, but on a day like today it seems to be the one reliable thing that I know will help me get through the rest of the day.

Every day brings new challenges. Today was one of the harder days. I guess I will eventually get over it as well. I just feel like I am making no progress. I struggle to make myself do things everyday. Then something happens like today. My stepmother shows up. I then have to ask myself why do I try? What good is therapy doing me if things like this stir me up to the point of breaking? Why can't my family just leave me alone? I moved away from them. I changed my phone number and yet they still do not get the message that I want nothing to do with them.

I am beginning to wonder who is more messed up my father or my stepmother. She is still married to him. Who in their right mind stays married to someone who molests children. Personally I believe only someone just as messed up. She actually went to the prison and saw him and wanted me to feel sorry for him, because he is ill. Well guess what I freaking don't and the only thing her coming by did was cause me more pain. Sometimes I wonder if she knows what she is doing to me and just doesn't care.

Dissociation was a good thing as a child for me. Now as an adult I do not need this coping skill anymore, but I still have it. I catch myself doing this for no reason sometimes. Sometimes I do it when I am triggered by something that reminds me of the abuse I went through. This is one of the coping skills I could live without, but it seems to be something I am stuck with. I also catch myself dissociating when my therapist is talking to  me. 


  Life is strange. I guess I am different as well. I really am not angry at the people who abused me. I am more upset about the affects the abuse I had on me. Sometimes I feel as if I wasn't strong enough. I feel as though maybe I did something that attracted these people to me. I know this is not really the situation, but it is the way I feel. I can not help my feelings. I can only try to change my mindset so that maybe someday I will feel differently about it all.


  I wish someone had a magic wand and could just erase my childhood and make everything perfect. I know wishful thinking will eventually be my downfall. 








































































  

My thought life is a series of events that either make you or break you.

Sometimes I ask myself is this life really worth the fight. I keep telling myself to keep going to prove that I survived. I keep thinking that if I make something out of my life it will prove the abuse did not hurt me. I have two daughters that I want to teach to be strong independent woman. I keep telling myself to give up will teach them nothing. I keep telling myself keep fighting. I am tired of fighting though. I am tired of not being able to sleep without nightmares. I am tired of trying to talk about the things that have happened and feeling like someone has applied super glue to my lips. I am tired of the daily battle that goes on in myself. I have thought about suicide since I was 11 years old and I continue to think about it. It would be the easy way out. It is one of those things that nobody seems to understand. You are asked aren't you afraid of dying. Are you not afraid of hell? Well my personal reply is if there was a hell that means there is a god. Well where the hell was he when my body was being hurt as a child. Where was he when I felt like my body was being ripped open by my father when I was only three years old? Every religious person says god protects the children. Was I not a child? Was I not good enough for him? What about all the other children that have been hurt and abused?


 So I guess in the end it is not so much about what I believe in. I really believe it comes down to me deciding the worth of my life. How much I want to live. How much I feel like things are going to get better. If I can stand to live in this creepy crawly flesh that I call my body even after it has been used as much as it has. How much or how little it would effect my daughters. How hard I want to try and prove to the people that they have hurt me but they didn't break me after all.

I have created this blog as a place to put the things that have happened to me. A place to put the things I am going through. I am a incest survivor and rape survivor. I have P.T.S.D., O.C.D., Agoraphobia and Major depression. I have this diagnosis not because of something I did to myself, but becasue of all the pain and abuse I was forced to endure growing up. I will not let these things define me. I will overcome them. I am a SURVIVOR. I want so much out of life. I want to be able to live in my own skin without wanting to run away from myself. Someday I will be able to go to sleep at night without nightmares. I will be able to make it through the day without flashbacks. I will be able to leave my house without fear.