Well I went to therapy yesterday. She is wanting me to start starting at least one discussion. Hum I think she might think I am a little messed up if I told her what I was thinking, how I am feeling and all this sort of stuff. Then on the other side shame and embarrassment seem to prevent me from talking as well. I mean I know she knows that I have had a really messed up life and all, but I do not think she understand to the extent that it has messed me up. I really would like to be able to tell her out loud the things that have happened. The details of my flashbacks. The things my nightmares are made of. I am just afraid I guess that she will look at me and say that this is even beyond her to be able to help. I guess instead of being afraid though I can turn it into next weeks goal. I think that is what I will do. Wish me lots of luck because I am going to need it. I know it would be counterproductive for me to turn the chair around and face her but I really think it would help if I didn't have to look at her. I know it all sounds so weird. I just have a real issue with looking at her when I talk to her. For one thing I do not like anyone to see me cry. Second reason I feel such shame over it all..