Well I am still here. I am not completely shattered. I am not like Humpty Dumpty I can be put back together again. It may take time, but I can do it. I sometimes just get overwhelmed by the events in my life.

  When I was 24 I was raped by somebody that I knew. It really messed with my head. I actually think it hurt more that it didn't bother me as much as I felt it should. After the things my father did to me I felt like what he did was nothing. I moved shortly after that. I had managed to ignore the pain that my father had caused me up until that point. When I was raped all the memories came flooding back. It was like a bridge had broken inside of me and the only cure was to run while I could. I ran as far as I could. I got a new job and worked as much as possible so that I didn't have to remember the things that had happened to me. I was basically running away from everything. I was home long enough to catch a couple hours sleep and make sure my kids were taken care of. The rest of the time I was at work. I did this till I could no longer hide from it. It was like one day it all came back and there was no more hiding. The only hiding I could do was at home because I was afraid to leave home. I was afraid to go to sleep. I was afraid to be alive. I was having flashbacks and nightmares. When I finally went to my doctor he sent me for psych testing that is when I was diagnosed. that is when I realized there was names for the things I was going through.

 I guess i finally figured out that I could only run for so long. I finally figured out everything catches up with you eventually. I am now trying to figure out how to find my voice. I have a very good friend who has been through similar things and we are both in the healing process right now and she is the one who is trying to teach me that I need my voice. That I need to be heard. She gives me excellent pointers on ways to talk. I just need to try them out I guess. Maybe someday that voice that I keep trying to find so that I can tell my story will eventually come out. I figure when it does that will be the biggest step I take in getting out of my own personal prison. That will be the key to my freedom.