COPING SKILLS For si
1. Deep breathing
2. drawing
3. take some alone time
4. art
5. pet my favorite animals/ that would be all of them
6. wrap up in my soft blanket
7 grounding techniques
8. try to remake the memories so they end the way I want
9. remember what I want and that si is not it
10. Ask for help
Monday, June 4, 2012
What is it that causes sexually abused people to be more likely to be abused again? Is it the way we carry ourselves? Is it something we do? I am just wondering what it is that needs to change so they abused people never have to go through the abuse more than the first to time. So i guess the question is what needs to change? What do we need to do to keep ourselves safe?
Sick equals worse anxiety. It makes no sense to me. I used to just get sick make it through whatever was wrong and be fine. It all started when I got sick in Oct. of 2010 and the doctor kept telling me nothing was wrong. Then by the time Feb. of 2011 was here they wanted to do emergency surgery because my gallbladder was about to pop and my stomach was under my ribs.It took a year to get over the surgery. Now every time I get sick I have anxiety attacks. Well I guess I will be okay nothing seriously just a fever and headache with any luck I will feel better by tomorrow.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Well I am still here. I am not completely shattered. I am not like Humpty Dumpty I can be put back together again. It may take time, but I can do it. I sometimes just get overwhelmed by the events in my life.
When I was 24 I was raped by somebody that I knew. It really messed with my head. I actually think it hurt more that it didn't bother me as much as I felt it should. After the things my father did to me I felt like what he did was nothing. I moved shortly after that. I had managed to ignore the pain that my father had caused me up until that point. When I was raped all the memories came flooding back. It was like a bridge had broken inside of me and the only cure was to run while I could. I ran as far as I could. I got a new job and worked as much as possible so that I didn't have to remember the things that had happened to me. I was basically running away from everything. I was home long enough to catch a couple hours sleep and make sure my kids were taken care of. The rest of the time I was at work. I did this till I could no longer hide from it. It was like one day it all came back and there was no more hiding. The only hiding I could do was at home because I was afraid to leave home. I was afraid to go to sleep. I was afraid to be alive. I was having flashbacks and nightmares. When I finally went to my doctor he sent me for psych testing that is when I was diagnosed. that is when I realized there was names for the things I was going through.
I guess i finally figured out that I could only run for so long. I finally figured out everything catches up with you eventually. I am now trying to figure out how to find my voice. I have a very good friend who has been through similar things and we are both in the healing process right now and she is the one who is trying to teach me that I need my voice. That I need to be heard. She gives me excellent pointers on ways to talk. I just need to try them out I guess. Maybe someday that voice that I keep trying to find so that I can tell my story will eventually come out. I figure when it does that will be the biggest step I take in getting out of my own personal prison. That will be the key to my freedom.
When I was 24 I was raped by somebody that I knew. It really messed with my head. I actually think it hurt more that it didn't bother me as much as I felt it should. After the things my father did to me I felt like what he did was nothing. I moved shortly after that. I had managed to ignore the pain that my father had caused me up until that point. When I was raped all the memories came flooding back. It was like a bridge had broken inside of me and the only cure was to run while I could. I ran as far as I could. I got a new job and worked as much as possible so that I didn't have to remember the things that had happened to me. I was basically running away from everything. I was home long enough to catch a couple hours sleep and make sure my kids were taken care of. The rest of the time I was at work. I did this till I could no longer hide from it. It was like one day it all came back and there was no more hiding. The only hiding I could do was at home because I was afraid to leave home. I was afraid to go to sleep. I was afraid to be alive. I was having flashbacks and nightmares. When I finally went to my doctor he sent me for psych testing that is when I was diagnosed. that is when I realized there was names for the things I was going through.
I guess i finally figured out that I could only run for so long. I finally figured out everything catches up with you eventually. I am now trying to figure out how to find my voice. I have a very good friend who has been through similar things and we are both in the healing process right now and she is the one who is trying to teach me that I need my voice. That I need to be heard. She gives me excellent pointers on ways to talk. I just need to try them out I guess. Maybe someday that voice that I keep trying to find so that I can tell my story will eventually come out. I figure when it does that will be the biggest step I take in getting out of my own personal prison. That will be the key to my freedom.
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Self Injury
Is way of expressing the pain that I seem not to be able to talk about. It is how I cope with feeling numb. It is how I cope when I have so many emotions I can't even begin to name them. I self injure to hide the pain I feel. I self injure and nobody knows but me. I am me I can not change that and right now self injury is a coping skill. I am trying to find new coping skills to learn how to deal with things. I can sometimes make those other skills work for me, but on a day like today it seems to be the one reliable thing that I know will help me get through the rest of the day.
Is way of expressing the pain that I seem not to be able to talk about. It is how I cope with feeling numb. It is how I cope when I have so many emotions I can't even begin to name them. I self injure to hide the pain I feel. I self injure and nobody knows but me. I am me I can not change that and right now self injury is a coping skill. I am trying to find new coping skills to learn how to deal with things. I can sometimes make those other skills work for me, but on a day like today it seems to be the one reliable thing that I know will help me get through the rest of the day.
Every day brings new challenges. Today was one of the harder days. I guess I will eventually get over it as well. I just feel like I am making no progress. I struggle to make myself do things everyday. Then something happens like today. My stepmother shows up. I then have to ask myself why do I try? What good is therapy doing me if things like this stir me up to the point of breaking? Why can't my family just leave me alone? I moved away from them. I changed my phone number and yet they still do not get the message that I want nothing to do with them.
I am beginning to wonder who is more messed up my father or my stepmother. She is still married to him. Who in their right mind stays married to someone who molests children. Personally I believe only someone just as messed up. She actually went to the prison and saw him and wanted me to feel sorry for him, because he is ill. Well guess what I freaking don't and the only thing her coming by did was cause me more pain. Sometimes I wonder if she knows what she is doing to me and just doesn't care.
I am beginning to wonder who is more messed up my father or my stepmother. She is still married to him. Who in their right mind stays married to someone who molests children. Personally I believe only someone just as messed up. She actually went to the prison and saw him and wanted me to feel sorry for him, because he is ill. Well guess what I freaking don't and the only thing her coming by did was cause me more pain. Sometimes I wonder if she knows what she is doing to me and just doesn't care.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Dissociation was a good thing as a child for me. Now as an adult I do not need this coping skill anymore, but I still have it. I catch myself doing this for no reason sometimes. Sometimes I do it when I am triggered by something that reminds me of the abuse I went through. This is one of the coping skills I could live without, but it seems to be something I am stuck with. I also catch myself dissociating when my therapist is talking to me.
Life is strange. I guess I am different as well. I really am not angry at the people who abused me. I am more upset about the affects the abuse I had on me. Sometimes I feel as if I wasn't strong enough. I feel as though maybe I did something that attracted these people to me. I know this is not really the situation, but it is the way I feel. I can not help my feelings. I can only try to change my mindset so that maybe someday I will feel differently about it all.
I wish someone had a magic wand and could just erase my childhood and make everything perfect. I know wishful thinking will eventually be my downfall.
Life is strange. I guess I am different as well. I really am not angry at the people who abused me. I am more upset about the affects the abuse I had on me. Sometimes I feel as if I wasn't strong enough. I feel as though maybe I did something that attracted these people to me. I know this is not really the situation, but it is the way I feel. I can not help my feelings. I can only try to change my mindset so that maybe someday I will feel differently about it all.
I wish someone had a magic wand and could just erase my childhood and make everything perfect. I know wishful thinking will eventually be my downfall.
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